Change

One of my favorite songs of all time, "Change" by 'Blind Melon'. That song says some things about depression and the feelings it brings in ways that I never would have thought of. Don't get me wrong, its not a sad song. It's actually full of hope. "I don't feel the sun's comin' out today, it's stayin' in, gonna find another way.." Opens the song. Everybody, (I don't care who you are) feels this way at some point. It's inevitable. No matter how positive you are, your life is NOT perfect. It's all a matter of the image that we put out and how much we care about how people see us.
Me, I don't care. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am the type of person that if I DON'T let those feelings out, I'm even worse off. Everybody is different. Nothing drives me more crazy than someone telling me, "It's not that bad.." or "Cheer up..". I express myself to cheer up. I don't talk about my feelings to get people to feel sorry for me or think that I "have it bad." I talk about them because that's how I (emphasizing the 'I') deal with them. Through "Changes" the mood changes. Going from " Oh, as I fade away, they all look at me and say (and they say), hey look at him I'll never live that way, but that's okay, they're just afraid of change", to "And I know we can't all stay here forever, so I wanna write, my words on the face of today".
People care too much about appearance. When they want to hear a song about hope, they try to find something up beat. Something that will give them instant yet temporary gratification. They don't think about a song as a journey. Things don't always start out all "hunky dory". Life is hard. And everyone gets it different. Different circumstances, and different points of view. All of us have a different story.
If you stop and listen long enough, you can catch someone's story. You can see the hope that is hidden in everyone's plot. It just isn't always a pop-up book. So you need to read. I suggest listening to this song. Not while you do dishes, or read a book or talk on the phone. Sit down and listen. You might learn more about yourself than you think. Stop every once in a while and take in the music around you. Really feel it and listen to the words and the feelings that the music builds. Listen to yourself. You will find that in reality, none of us really know ourselves like we think we do.

Did I say that out loud??

When you are tired, you say really stupid things. I don't mean YOU you.. I mean You in general. Everybody You. Make sense? Whatever. That doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that when your brain is only working at half its capacity, somehow the things that you are really thinking shine through in your actions or words. I just remembered how amazing Sun Chips are.. Just throwing that in there... So as I sit here with no shirt on, writing about God-knows-what.. I remember that I didnt really have a plan for what I was going to be writing. Maybe I should take this opportunity to share my religious beliefs? No. I am not going to preach to you. Religion is a touchy subject, and no matter what my views or beliefs are, I will offend someone.
I don't enjoy offending others. I don't take pleasure in making people feel uncomfortable. Most of the time. A majority of the time, when I am spending time with friends, the awkward silence is thanks to Yours Truly. Somehow I always find a way to take the words out of people's mouths. If only that worked better for the douche in the movie theater who thinks the "No Cell Phone" rule doesn't apply to him. I want to cut him.
Now is a good time to bring up the fact that I am NOT a violent person. Although my ex-wife likes to say that I was abusive to her and did drugs, I never laid a finger on her. And the weight that I have lost (approximately 100 lbs) is due to the fact that I don't just want to drown myself in beer every night when I get home. Not because I do crack. The crack has nothing to do with it. (jk, i dont EVER do that).
I just want to take note, that I have now seen at least 4 flies get sucked into the oscillating fan standing next to me. I am SOOO glad its not pointing at me.
Where was I?
Oh yes.. Crack. Ex-wives, and the future of rap.
To be honest, I am utterly exhausted and don't remember what I have been writing about, where it began, or where I wanted it to go. It is probably in EVERYBODY'S best interest if i just shut up and go to bed. Goodnight. Dream of pigeons.

Pigs on the Wing

So after spending the last month deprived of sleep, I finally got caught up. After finally securing a job at a local steakhouse, and some severe family drama (face it, it happens), I went to a friend's house after work on Saturday night. Being the only sober one there, I had a lot of fun laughing at all the drunk people. Although there was only 5 of us, it was a great night. I met new people, made a few new friends, and had a lot of good laughs.

It was one of those surrealistic evenings, where you aren't sure if some of the conversations really happened, or if someone slipped rufalin in your cream soda. The night was cold and the sky was clear. I don't smoke, but I followed the others outside to enjoy their company and get some fresh air. I forgot how clear the sky is in a small town. We could see the Milky Way and the stars seemed to be perched just above our heads. People take nights like this for granted.
As I was the only sober person there, and I tend to be calm, cool, and collected, *dusts lapel* one of the girls there felt that I was a safe haven. I didnt mind. It was nice when things got rough with the other guys, I still had some company. Sometimes sobriety pays.

Its not that I am against drinking. I don't feel like I have to be doing it to have a good time. Sometimes its nice because it helps break the ice when you are meeting new people, making a shy person the life of the party. I chose not to drink because I don't really need it in my life anymore. I have had problems with alcohol in the past, and have decided that I'm tired of fighting that battle. I used to drink fairly heavily. In fact, before I left my ex-wife, I would regularly go through a 12 pack every night after work. It started as a way to unwind, and ended with me depending on it to get through an evening. Since I have kicked that problem, I have lost 100 lbs. I feel great and I feel like I look great. I finally have confidence again. So I don't want to risk going back to that.
I also have very close personal friends who's lives are filled with people with addictions. As a friend I don't want to bring any more of that into their life. Being as good of a friend as this person is, sobriety isn't even a hint of a sacrifice. I am starting my life over (again) and want a clean slate. I don't want problems from my past dragging me down. Inside, I am a very strong person. I have been through a lot in the last year and constantly struggle with depression.
So as the Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, the weariness and stress from the day began to wear off again. Surrounded by new people, loud music, and people needing the feeling of safety and companionship, I was able to forget about the day. I was able to be myself.

I don't think highly of myself. Especially in the past few years. There are things that I like about myself, but there are things that I don't. I don't like a lot of the decisions I have made in the past. (normal) I don't like that I have hurt people that I love. No matter how unintentional it was, I hurt them just the same. I like that I love music so much. I like that I feel like I can write, and that I can draw and paint like I can. I don't like how I look or how I talk. But there is something that I realized. I am meeting new people. I haven't hurt these people (yet) and I hope that I never do.
It's nice knowing that there are some people out there that see and like the things about me that I too like about myself. I met someone who thought I was funny, someone who thought I was a good musician, and was even told that I am sexy! Lol, all things which make for a good night. I hope I can begin to focus on the good qualities about myself, and enhance them to make up for my bad qualities. I hope to improve myself for those around me, and most importantly, to become someone that I like.

I hope to someday make the world a better place. I know that I cannot save the world, but I have the potential to lead others in doing so. These days, a figure like John Lennon is needed more than ever. (note: I am NOT in any way comparing myself to the great John Lennon. I only use him as an example of how one person can show the world what compassion and understanding are.) Is it true that going to a party and NOT drinking made me realize that I can change the world? How does THAT work? The universe works in ways that we will never understand. We will see what one night's experiences bring into my life, and what effect a single experience can have on the world. Unfortunately, it's more likely for a negative event to change the world than a good one. Why are we so full of hate? Why do we dwell on the negativity of the media circus and the pigs who attempt to make decisions for us?
This is America dammit. Believe what you want to believe, but please base it on your own opinion. Don't sit all day watching Fox news or CNN and claim that you know what is going on in the world. The only way to see the world is to live in it. Experience it for yourself.
Question: What the HELL is a "Zhuzhu Pet"? Who wrote the theme song and where do I get one?

What's the platter?

Sometimes I find that the best food combos are the "strangest". I once dated a girl that dipped her chips (potato, cheetos, funyuns, etch) in ketchup. Some people dont even think about food combos and how great they can be. sometimes its a mix of textures and flavors, sometimes it looks good, sometimes it looks (and smells) like cat vomit. My friend used to mix the velveeta shells and cheese with broccoli with cottage cheese, canned peas, and vienna sausages. He would then top it off with a healthy amount of ketchup. What is it with people and ketchup? Is ketchup the "American Dream"?
I once knew someone that put ketchup on ice cream. Gag. I think the strangest thing I eat is a Peanut Butter and Onion sandwich, or "Goober" burgers. A goober burger is a deliciously grilled burger, topped with peanut butter and a healthy amount of mayonnaise. I dont usually like mayonnaise either. It is slimy and gross.
Enough about food. I am suffering from gall stones and cant eat anything good. I am having my gallbladder taken out in the near future, so after that, i plan on consuming some rare and endangered, maybe mythical creature. Rare. Thats how I want it. I want to taste the meat of a unicorn.
I have often wondered, just out of curiosity, is human considered white meat or dark? Not that I'm interested in trying it.. I just wonder.
I have recently started a new job as a cook. Although I have much experience, its a whole new ballpark when you cant eat any of the food you are cooking without having your innards explode like John Candy's heart. I mean, it all looks so delicious.. But it's so evil. How do I deal?
If you had superpowers, what would they be? To affect the will of others? Fly? X-ray vision? X-ray vision could help lower the world population though if you think about it. Every time X-ray girl checks out a guy's "package", BAM! Sterile. Maybe we could send her to Asia..
Speaking of Asia.. Who thought.. "Hey lets catch the worlds deadliest fish, cut the venom sack out and eat it at risk of killing ourselves?" So here we are.. Back to food. This is the time I stop writing and go eat my fat free cottage cheese and boiled chicken. When you eat, eat heartily. Forget about the hungry kids in Africa. If they really want food, they will move to a place that isnt a desert. CANT YOU TELL AMERICA IS STARVING??? Must.. Build.. More.. McDonalds...

Hydrocodone and Couches

Weary is no way to describe a borderline insomniac. The word 'wretched' comes to mind, as well as 'beaten'. The stress of uncertainty tends to fill the air lately. Not knowing what to do, where to go, or how to get there. Knowing somewhat what to expect in life has become a rare experience. The plot of my world tends to twist rather drastically and unexpectedly. This happens to all of our lives. But I'm not so sure if it is the same. Do other people's stories change so drastically? Do their plot twists at least have something to do with the plot?
I sound like a depressed English teacher. I do not roam the halls of any over populated high school, nor do I sip at bad coffee in an all too noisy teachers lounge. In fact, the image of me being a teacher at all seems downright, well.. Scary! What do I have to teach others? What lessons could I give that could possibly turn this world into a better place? The best I could do is emphasize the importance of music in our lives. I guess I do however, have some interesting stories.
I too, (believe it or not) have made mistakes in my life. I have found that you can listen as much as you want to other people's advice, and what they think is right.. But you are still going to make the same mistakes. I am not saying to not listen to their advice, that would be obnoxious. I am saying though, that when you take someone's advice, you make sure they have your best interests at heart. Weigh your options, but do NOT write off any advice. Take into consideration that all advise is given from a different perspective. Each token of potential knowledge comes with its own potential ending. Just because you don't get the desired results, doesn't mean you failed.
I was married once. I sometimes refer to my wedding day as "Stupid Mistake Day". It has its own marking on my personal calendar along with Columbus Day and National Pie Day. I do love pie. But, back to my point.. Is there a point?? I forget. Oh yes, Stupid Mistake Day. This "mistake" that I made, brought me to some wonderful things. For example; I now get any and all In-Law jokes, I know what it is like to live with someone who by nature is mentally unbalanced, and if it weren't for the mistakes that I made, and the course I followed, I wouldn't have the great friends that I do today.
I am rather shy in person. Dont get my writing confused with my reality. One cannot be shy in writing. Otherwise, what would be written? Besides, it is much easier to hide behind a pen name (which I do, but only because of past stalker issues) where you can brush off responsibility of what you said as soon as you hit the 'Publish' button. Back to the issue at hand. Bashfulness. Some find it endearing or cute. I find it annoying and it becomes troublesome when trying to make friends. Who wants to be friends with the dude that just nods his head and has his hands in his pockets?
I do warm up to people after a short time. Eventually my charm slips through the dark curtains of my humility. The awkward stages seem to float away, and I can easily open up and talk to the person at hand. I have lived with this process my whole life. I have made friends this way, and some have been lost, but others, I hold very close and dear to my heart. I rant and rave and have my insecurities, but I have found a select few people who still appreciate who I am and how I am.
I guess all in all, what I am trying to say is.. When you sleep too little and think too much, sometimes bad things come to mind. You want to try to fix the world and make it a better place for those whom you love. Sometimes it's someone you hardly know who's life you wish to improve. Others and most often it is the ones close to you, whom you can say that you love and care about which get your best wishes. The friends that we lose can either be called mistakes, or lessons. It is up to us to really make that decision. So I guess in conclusion, I am in a way a teacher. But only to myself. I hope reading this in some way helps you help yourself.
And for those who may ask.. I have not practiced my revenge upon the furball.. YET.

Late Nights

The windy day seemed to linger forever yesterday.  One of those peculiar days where its impossible to be warm or cool. You just get sucked into the transition between comfort and despair. I ended the afternoon with some friends in a nearby town, which is not big enough to even be worth mentioning. A friendly young couple with two young children. I also met a new friend I had met through a social network at their home.
As the afternoon dwindled into evening, I slowly got to know my new acquaintances through laughter and the occasional stab at ones unfortunate anatomy. It was one of those random get togethers, where conversation turns from movies, to hermaphrodites, and none of the conversationalists remembers how the topic changed.
As the girls talked and gossiped about what their friends were saying and doing, us guys just laughed quietly to ourselves at the irony of it all. Girls get mad about their friends talking about them "behind their backs" (Who coined this phrase? When someone behind me is talking, I can still hear the imbecile.), yet in their upset and irrational state of mind they do the same thing in return. Women live their lives in a vicious, self destructive social circle.
I don't mean to speak ill of women. I have many close female friends. This handicap is not their fault. It is bred into their blood by soap operas and magazine articles on "How to tell if your man is cheating". According to said articles, if a man gets too preoccupied with work, and realizes it much too late so buys his lady-friend flowers to just show that he cares, he is diddling another woman. The stress that women add to their lives hurts my soul.
The laughter lingered late into the evening and some good times will be remembered. I look forward to the next meeting of these random souls in this over-sized village. As we closed the party, I began to look inward at my own problems once more. These problems that plague me deeper than I could describe in any one session.
To move on from calendar past, I awoke at exactly five a.m. to a cat pissing on my feet. I see now why some cultures eat these conniving creatures. Their wicked eyes watch as they plot what horrific experience they could put you through next. My dog happened to be sleeping at my side through this vulgar display, and didnt seem to care. Some guard dog.
So I awoke too early, on the wrong side of the bed and pissed ON. Was this the highlight of my day? Perhaps. I am drinking plenty of fluids through the day and studying the sleeping habits of this wicked animal. My revenge will be sweet and the beast will never forget. As I sip at my Vitamin water and hold my breath, I bid you farewell. Remember, the human nature is in itself, irony.

I wake up in a panic. The new day is suddenly upon me. The twisting searing rays of the sun scorch my eye innards as I peel back the pasty flesh people call lids. What is in store for this new day? What images and sounds will my mind behold?
My eyes blur as I rub the remainders of the previous night's nightmares from them, a necessary ritual in order to take in the nightmare that is reality. The political satire that we call our government tends to commandeer the mind of some. Usually its the ones with too many fears of facing their own political incorrectness that get sucked into the cannibalistic pit that is political science. Is there no one left to not care? Have we all been trapped in this circus where lions are replaced by the working class? Doomed to jump through flaming hoops by those with the correct political stamina?
I regress. Rubbing the eyes. I sit up and wonder exactly where to start my day. The normal activities of a young American cross my mind. Spend hours watching pointless viral videos on Youtube? This is a sadly popular past time. I could spend countless more hours on a social network site enjoying watching the lives of others, as they spend their lives doing the same. What else is there?
Here I write. About what? All I've done is babble on about circus' and sleepy eye goop.. I apologize. But where else does one start, but with the start of the day? Eventually I will get around to mentioning something about music. I always do. The high that a junkie gets from that sweet sting of heroine pumping into his veins after a dry week, that is what the sound of a well written song does for me.
Is this TOO much? Am I getting TOO real? Why write if you can't write freely? Why bother opening up the chamber of antiquities if you have no interest in seeing what treasures have been hidden inside? Are you still following me? I am talking about fear!
What other strange feeling drives us into the unknown? We either drive forward in fear of the past catching up to us, or sit in denial of a changing world in fear of the future. We fear Time above all. Next comes Money. We try not to think about the loss of our sanity.. The risk of contracting some psychotic inducing illness, or being involved in an unfortunate accident resulting in Brain Damage.
Are you not getting the hints I am generously throwing about? Are song names not a clear enough reference? Are you still reading this?
I stumble out of my bed and drag my feet to the stereo. The entertainment center sits only steps from my bed, but in my 'still half asleep' state, it takes the ugly half of a minute to reach it. As i flip the switch that activates the turntable, (yes, I am old fashioned. That's just how I roll.) and the familiar wax disc begins to spin, I gaze upon the familiar multicolored prisms that grace the label of 'The Dark Side of the Moon'.
Going on 40 years old but hardly tarnished by the rust of time, this one album gives me solitude in a world full of Pinocchio's and "do-gooders" that seem to spill into my world. Yes, MY world. I call it "My world" because on this plane of reality, I am the fortunate soul in the position of narrator. On this plane of reality, the world spins on an axis which sits wherever my feet touch the ground. And on this day, the universe spins to a soundtrack composed by the members of Pink Floyd.
Oh new readers of a new blog, don't be discouraged! This is not how my life is lived. This is simply the morning. Soon I will have a massive amount of coffee, trans fat, and processed sugar pumped into my body. Do not fear the coming future. Rush into it aggressively with a soundtrack of your own! Don't waste your time planning and building a future. Build as you go. Your plans will be broken on a daily basis and you will eventually go stark raving mad trying to achieve perfection!
Did I just advise you to not plan for the future? How will that be misinterpreted? Will the circus clowns come get me for saying that? (clowns are not a welcome audience in my world) I am distracted by the bright colors and flashing lights of our political circus yet again. Perhaps today is a day when I can take a break from jumping through the flaming hoops. Perhaps today I will sit in at the freak show. As Dr. Thompson put it; "Just another freak in the freak kingdom."
I leave you with an image of yet another American, living the "American Dream". God Bless.