Friday, December 2, 2011

About a dog

I'll never forget that windy November morning when I picked the quiet pup from the litter of energetic puppies. A female, not to big, and not too small, who stood at the back of the litter and stared at me with the most honest, gentle eyes I have ever seen. On the way home she stood in my lap with her nose pressed to the window, staring at the world passing us by. It took me a few days to come up with a name for her, but when I said those 2 syllables, I knew that this name was created just for this soul.
I had Daphne for 3 months when I was in a car accident. As I lay on the couch in pain, Daphne stayed at my side, day and night. When my hand dropped from the couch, it landed on her back, and she responded with a gentle look and a soft nuzzle. Whenever I was sick, her company could not be beat. Never did she demand my love or attention, and never did she bare and angry tooth. When I became homeless and lived in a tent, Daphne never hesitated or seemed to mind keeping me warm all night and the October wind blew. She never doubted me, and never failed to make me smile with her long ears and friendly disposition.
I remember one morning as I was out paying bills, she was riding in the back seat of my car. As I was sitting there balancing my checkbook, she stuck her head out the window and her tail beat furiously. I heard a woman talking to her, and then the lady asked if she could pet my dog. As tears welled in her eyes as Daphne smiled at her and leaned into her hand with her velvety fur, the woman explained that she had been battling cancer for years, and had gone into remission, and this was her last stop of a string of errands before she would be admitted to the hospital again.
The one time Daphne ever showed aggression towards anyone, was this last spring after she had been run over by a truck. As I tried to pick her up, my hand pushed on her hip, which was broken, and her instincts told her to bite. After a brief growl and snap of her teeth, Daphne looked me in the eye and laid down, letting me do whatever needed to be done. I knew she was sorry even before it happened. When I moved far from home, and had lost most of my friends, I spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's with my closest and best trusted companion. She never blamed me for the choices I made, and when I was walking home from work, I could hear her barking from a block away, knowing I would return home any minute.
The quiet outside seems so alien now. Without a baying hound, running in circles in excitement over the squirrel on the telephone line. Her bowls sit empty in the grass, which lays down where she used to lay and run the most. The hole she dug, (which made me so angry) sits empty and unfinished. As the snow gently falls, the world seems even colder than I ever imagined it could. My companion, my dog is now gone.
To some she was just a dog, but to me, she was my most dependable friend. My warmth in the October nights, my family at the holidays, my comfort through any pain. If there is anything in this world that Daphne left me with, its the feeling of being loved unconditionally. When I needed her, she named no price, demanded nothing in return, and gave more than was needed. I love you Daffodil. Today, our family is a little smaller, but my heart is a whole lot emptier. You will be forever missed. Goodbye dear friend.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When I'm Old and Gray

Sitting here staring at the screen, I don't know what's worse. Working all of the time so I can attempt to retire and FINALLY enjoy my life when I'm a million years old, or the fact that no jobs pay well enough to pay the bills AND give you a life. Honestly, if I am still working a minimum wage job when I'm 60, I'll choke myself with my breathing tubes. I see these miserable people greeting customers at the Wal-Mart entrance, and they look like they died 10 years ago. I'm waiting to walk in and trip over a coffin with a sign propped on it that reads "Welcome to Wal-Mart!".They will finally be able to stack the ads high enough for people to be able to reach without bending down and mooning the 400 white trash customers coming in the store behind them.

Of course, by the time I'm 60, China will have cashed in their IOU's and we will be citizens of the United States of China. So maybe my kids and I can work in the same sweatshop? We can huddle in our little house and share a bowl of steamed rice while we count how many yen we made that year.

My point is, what's the point in spending ALL of our time working so that we can get by? It seems like if you want a good job, you have to spend $30K on an education that will be outdated in 2 years, so that you can barely scrape by for another 5 years to pay off your student loans, that way you can have a job that pays you to have time off. I bet if the working class was better cared for, our economy would boom. These are the people who would shop locally, instead of buying a purebred dog from some random dude in Italy.

I regress. Work sucks. I hope I can someday have a special skill that makes me tons of money while I can stay at home with my family and play ping pong or work in our garden. I wouldn't live extravagantly. I just want to be comfortable and be able to provide for my family and make sure my children (including my step-children) have everything they need to be successful if they grow up. Is that so much to ask?

I probably should get back to work. Thank Gods for Monster energy drinks. Gonna be a long night!

Monday, August 1, 2011

All About Change...?

Is change the shifting of one situation to another? Or is it the stuff you always find in between the couch cushions? Amazingly, change is the one thing people fear the most. I have seen people cower from the idea of change, or get excited by the notion of it. Change is inevitable. The more we try to hide from it, or deny it, or delay it, the faster it will come and sweep us off our feet. As inevitable as change is, it is still in our control. we decide how we handle the changes coming our way, and we decide what about us needs to be different. Some people live monotonous lives, repeating the same actions day after day, and some of us strive for differences in out world on a daily basis. The unfortunate ones who hide from change, refuse to make decisions, or deny changes within ourselves are the demons who draw us back from our futures. In the past 2 years, I have personally experienced so many changes in my life, that it has drastically changed who I am. I have lost weight, been through a divorce, was left standing alone in the end of 2 horribly unhealthy relationships, had medical problems for the first time in my life, moved 6 times, lost everything I had, gained everything back, been homeless, jobless, used, and abused. I have committed offenses against my loved ones, made the biggest mistakes of my life, started school, become a father, and am soon to be married. Dealing with change can be hard, but if you man up and make some decisions, you will end up exactly where you are meant to be. The more you settle for what you have, the more you are in denial of change. This is betrayal to yourself and all of those around you. Take a chance once in a while, I guarantee you will always be pleased with the final results. How have I dealt with the changes in my life? I look at it this way.. Life isnt about how much money you have or how many people admire you or want to be your friend. It is about the relationships you have with the few people that will be around you in the end. It is about the trials we endure, the people we actually influence and the changes we create in the world, and the changes the world creates in us. It's all about the journey.. Man... I have made some horrible choices in the last 2 years, but there is no where I would rather be than where my life is at this moment. Im surrounded by people who actually love me for all the right reasons, and who I love for all the right reasons. I have a family. I have children who will look up to me and will be influenced by the choices that I have made and the lessons I have learned. I am giving them the opportunity to change this world for the better. To those who think this is hopeless, those who think they are too small to have any effect, try sleeping in a room with a single mosquito. There is much to learn from that little bastard. Keep at it. And for God's sake, keep it weird.

Friday, October 15, 2010


One of my favorite songs of all time, "Change" by 'Blind Melon'. That song says some things about depression and the feelings it brings in ways that I never would have thought of. Don't get me wrong, its not a sad song. It's actually full of hope. "I don't feel the sun's comin' out today, it's stayin' in, gonna find another way.." Opens the song. Everybody, (I don't care who you are) feels this way at some point. It's inevitable. No matter how positive you are, your life is NOT perfect. It's all a matter of the image that we put out and how much we care about how people see us.
Me, I don't care. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am the type of person that if I DON'T let those feelings out, I'm even worse off. Everybody is different. Nothing drives me more crazy than someone telling me, "It's not that bad.." or "Cheer up..". I express myself to cheer up. I don't talk about my feelings to get people to feel sorry for me or think that I "have it bad." I talk about them because that's how I (emphasizing the 'I') deal with them. Through "Changes" the mood changes. Going from " Oh, as I fade away, they all look at me and say (and they say), hey look at him I'll never live that way, but that's okay, they're just afraid of change", to "And I know we can't all stay here forever, so I wanna write, my words on the face of today".
People care too much about appearance. When they want to hear a song about hope, they try to find something up beat. Something that will give them instant yet temporary gratification. They don't think about a song as a journey. Things don't always start out all "hunky dory". Life is hard. And everyone gets it different. Different circumstances, and different points of view. All of us have a different story.
If you stop and listen long enough, you can catch someone's story. You can see the hope that is hidden in everyone's plot. It just isn't always a pop-up book. So you need to read. I suggest listening to this song. Not while you do dishes, or read a book or talk on the phone. Sit down and listen. You might learn more about yourself than you think. Stop every once in a while and take in the music around you. Really feel it and listen to the words and the feelings that the music builds. Listen to yourself. You will find that in reality, none of us really know ourselves like we think we do.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Did I say that out loud??

When you are tired, you say really stupid things. I don't mean YOU you.. I mean You in general. Everybody You. Make sense? Whatever. That doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that when your brain is only working at half its capacity, somehow the things that you are really thinking shine through in your actions or words. I just remembered how amazing Sun Chips are.. Just throwing that in there... So as I sit here with no shirt on, writing about God-knows-what.. I remember that I didnt really have a plan for what I was going to be writing. Maybe I should take this opportunity to share my religious beliefs? No. I am not going to preach to you. Religion is a touchy subject, and no matter what my views or beliefs are, I will offend someone.
I don't enjoy offending others. I don't take pleasure in making people feel uncomfortable. Most of the time. A majority of the time, when I am spending time with friends, the awkward silence is thanks to Yours Truly. Somehow I always find a way to take the words out of people's mouths. If only that worked better for the douche in the movie theater who thinks the "No Cell Phone" rule doesn't apply to him. I want to cut him.
Now is a good time to bring up the fact that I am NOT a violent person. Although my ex-wife likes to say that I was abusive to her and did drugs, I never laid a finger on her. And the weight that I have lost (approximately 100 lbs) is due to the fact that I don't just want to drown myself in beer every night when I get home. Not because I do crack. The crack has nothing to do with it. (jk, i dont EVER do that).
I just want to take note, that I have now seen at least 4 flies get sucked into the oscillating fan standing next to me. I am SOOO glad its not pointing at me.
Where was I?
Oh yes.. Crack. Ex-wives, and the future of rap.
To be honest, I am utterly exhausted and don't remember what I have been writing about, where it began, or where I wanted it to go. It is probably in EVERYBODY'S best interest if i just shut up and go to bed. Goodnight. Dream of pigeons.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Pigs on the Wing

So after spending the last month deprived of sleep, I finally got caught up. After finally securing a job at a local steakhouse, and some severe family drama (face it, it happens), I went to a friend's house after work on Saturday night. Being the only sober one there, I had a lot of fun laughing at all the drunk people. Although there was only 5 of us, it was a great night. I met new people, made a few new friends, and had a lot of good laughs.

It was one of those surrealistic evenings, where you aren't sure if some of the conversations really happened, or if someone slipped rufalin in your cream soda. The night was cold and the sky was clear. I don't smoke, but I followed the others outside to enjoy their company and get some fresh air. I forgot how clear the sky is in a small town. We could see the Milky Way and the stars seemed to be perched just above our heads. People take nights like this for granted.
As I was the only sober person there, and I tend to be calm, cool, and collected, *dusts lapel* one of the girls there felt that I was a safe haven. I didnt mind. It was nice when things got rough with the other guys, I still had some company. Sometimes sobriety pays.

Its not that I am against drinking. I don't feel like I have to be doing it to have a good time. Sometimes its nice because it helps break the ice when you are meeting new people, making a shy person the life of the party. I chose not to drink because I don't really need it in my life anymore. I have had problems with alcohol in the past, and have decided that I'm tired of fighting that battle. I used to drink fairly heavily. In fact, before I left my ex-wife, I would regularly go through a 12 pack every night after work. It started as a way to unwind, and ended with me depending on it to get through an evening. Since I have kicked that problem, I have lost 100 lbs. I feel great and I feel like I look great. I finally have confidence again. So I don't want to risk going back to that.
I also have very close personal friends who's lives are filled with people with addictions. As a friend I don't want to bring any more of that into their life. Being as good of a friend as this person is, sobriety isn't even a hint of a sacrifice. I am starting my life over (again) and want a clean slate. I don't want problems from my past dragging me down. Inside, I am a very strong person. I have been through a lot in the last year and constantly struggle with depression.
So as the Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, the weariness and stress from the day began to wear off again. Surrounded by new people, loud music, and people needing the feeling of safety and companionship, I was able to forget about the day. I was able to be myself.

I don't think highly of myself. Especially in the past few years. There are things that I like about myself, but there are things that I don't. I don't like a lot of the decisions I have made in the past. (normal) I don't like that I have hurt people that I love. No matter how unintentional it was, I hurt them just the same. I like that I love music so much. I like that I feel like I can write, and that I can draw and paint like I can. I don't like how I look or how I talk. But there is something that I realized. I am meeting new people. I haven't hurt these people (yet) and I hope that I never do.
It's nice knowing that there are some people out there that see and like the things about me that I too like about myself. I met someone who thought I was funny, someone who thought I was a good musician, and was even told that I am sexy! Lol, all things which make for a good night. I hope I can begin to focus on the good qualities about myself, and enhance them to make up for my bad qualities. I hope to improve myself for those around me, and most importantly, to become someone that I like.

I hope to someday make the world a better place. I know that I cannot save the world, but I have the potential to lead others in doing so. These days, a figure like John Lennon is needed more than ever. (note: I am NOT in any way comparing myself to the great John Lennon. I only use him as an example of how one person can show the world what compassion and understanding are.) Is it true that going to a party and NOT drinking made me realize that I can change the world? How does THAT work? The universe works in ways that we will never understand. We will see what one night's experiences bring into my life, and what effect a single experience can have on the world. Unfortunately, it's more likely for a negative event to change the world than a good one. Why are we so full of hate? Why do we dwell on the negativity of the media circus and the pigs who attempt to make decisions for us?
This is America dammit. Believe what you want to believe, but please base it on your own opinion. Don't sit all day watching Fox news or CNN and claim that you know what is going on in the world. The only way to see the world is to live in it. Experience it for yourself.
Question: What the HELL is a "Zhuzhu Pet"? Who wrote the theme song and where do I get one?

Friday, October 8, 2010

What's the platter?

Sometimes I find that the best food combos are the "strangest". I once dated a girl that dipped her chips (potato, cheetos, funyuns, etch) in ketchup. Some people dont even think about food combos and how great they can be. sometimes its a mix of textures and flavors, sometimes it looks good, sometimes it looks (and smells) like cat vomit. My friend used to mix the velveeta shells and cheese with broccoli with cottage cheese, canned peas, and vienna sausages. He would then top it off with a healthy amount of ketchup. What is it with people and ketchup? Is ketchup the "American Dream"?
I once knew someone that put ketchup on ice cream. Gag. I think the strangest thing I eat is a Peanut Butter and Onion sandwich, or "Goober" burgers. A goober burger is a deliciously grilled burger, topped with peanut butter and a healthy amount of mayonnaise. I dont usually like mayonnaise either. It is slimy and gross.
Enough about food. I am suffering from gall stones and cant eat anything good. I am having my gallbladder taken out in the near future, so after that, i plan on consuming some rare and endangered, maybe mythical creature. Rare. Thats how I want it. I want to taste the meat of a unicorn.
I have often wondered, just out of curiosity, is human considered white meat or dark? Not that I'm interested in trying it.. I just wonder.
I have recently started a new job as a cook. Although I have much experience, its a whole new ballpark when you cant eat any of the food you are cooking without having your innards explode like John Candy's heart. I mean, it all looks so delicious.. But it's so evil. How do I deal?
If you had superpowers, what would they be? To affect the will of others? Fly? X-ray vision? X-ray vision could help lower the world population though if you think about it. Every time X-ray girl checks out a guy's "package", BAM! Sterile. Maybe we could send her to Asia..
Speaking of Asia.. Who thought.. "Hey lets catch the worlds deadliest fish, cut the venom sack out and eat it at risk of killing ourselves?" So here we are.. Back to food. This is the time I stop writing and go eat my fat free cottage cheese and boiled chicken. When you eat, eat heartily. Forget about the hungry kids in Africa. If they really want food, they will move to a place that isnt a desert. CANT YOU TELL AMERICA IS STARVING??? Must.. Build.. More.. McDonalds...